Miscellaneous

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
- Whatever the fuck you want. What’s he gonna do about it?

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her this subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2″ hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper.”
Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, “Oh my God…”

Facts of Marriage:

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
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In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
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My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and
said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
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Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-law.
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted.” Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can
have mine.”
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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget
it once.
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First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
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How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
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If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
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Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late.”
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
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The bumper sticker read:
“I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”