Miscellaneous

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. “Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. “Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she said.
“Well,” thought the man, “might as well carry on.”
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. “Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. “Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was an ugly 400 pound man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
“Who are you?” the man asked.
“Hello” said the ugly fat man, “I’m Cess!”

A married couple went to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat.
The waiter asks “Can i take your order sir?”
He replies ” Yes, i’ll have the steak cooked…rare”
“But what about The mad cow?” said the waiter.
He says “Well…She can order for herself”

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, “Come on, babe, let’s go in
The alleyway and get it on. I’ve got fifteen bucks.”
She says, “FIFTEEN bucks? You’re crazy. For fifteen bucks, I’ll let you LOOK at it.”
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on
His knees. But he can’t see anything, because it’s too dark, so he gets
Out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, “My God, your pubic
Hair… It’s so curly and thick… It’s BEAUTIFUL.”
She says, “Thank you.”
He says, “You mind if I ask you a personal question?”
She says, “Go ahead.”
He says, “Can you pee through all that hair?”
She says, “Of course.”
He says, “Well, you better start. You’re on fire.”

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, “In response to the question on frequency
of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly’. Your wife, on the other hand, answered ’several times a night’.”
“That’s right,” replies the bloke, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”

Little Timmy and his grandfather are out in the middle of a lake fishing. They are having a swell day, The sun is out, the wind is blowing, and the fish are biting.
Grandpa, smiling, reaches over to the cooler and pulls out a nice ice cold beer. He pops the top of, and takes a big swig. Longingly, little Timmy watches, and asks
“Can I have a sip grandpa?” to which grandpa replies “Well Timmy, can your ding-dong reach your butthole?”
Timmy ponders this a moment, and finally replies “Well, no grandpa, it can’t”
Grandpa chuckles and says “well then son, you are much too young.”

Some time goes by, a few more fish caught, more laughs shared, when grandpa pull out a big Cuban cigar.
Without hesitation, he lights the end and takes a few long puffs. Curious, little Timmy asks
“Can I have a try with that grandpa?” to which grandpa replies “Well little Timmy, can your ding-dong reach your butthole?”
Timmy, who knows good and well that it doesn’t sighs and says “No grandpa, it still doesn’t…”
Grandpa chuckles again and says “I’m afraid you are just too young Timmy…”

More of the day passes without incident. The pair laugh loudly, and catch more fish than they had ever caught before. When at last, as the sun starts going down,
and Timmy gets a little hungry, he pulls out a bag of cookies his mom sent with him earlier today.
As Timmy sits in the boat, and enjoys his first cookie, grandpa realizes he’s hungry too.
So he asks “He little Timmy, could I have one of your cookies?” Little Timmy looks at his grandpa, then to his cookies, and back to his grandpa
“Well, can your ding-dong reach your butthole grandpa?” Timmy asks confidently. Grandpa smiles and says “why yes Timmy, it actually does!”

Timmy looks back down at his cookies, an then to his grandpa and replies “Well good for you, now go f**k yourself, these are my cookies.”

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
- Whatever the fuck you want. What’s he gonna do about it?

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her this subtle “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2″ hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper.”
Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, “Oh my God…”

Facts of Marriage:

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
- – - – - – - – - – -
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
- – - – - – - – - – -
My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
- – - – - – - – - – -
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
- – - – - – - – - – -
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and
said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
- – - – - – - – - – -
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-law.
- – - – - – - – - – -
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- – - – - – - – - – -
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted.” Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can
have mine.”
- – - – - – - – - – -
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget
it once.
- – - – - – - – - – -
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
- – - – - – - – - – -
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- – - – - – - – - – -
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
- – - – - – - – - – -
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
- – - – - – - – - – -
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late.”
- – - – - – - – - – -
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- – - – - – - – - – -
The bumper sticker read:
“I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”